The Book of Senior Jokes
by Geoff Tibballs from Michael O'Mara, dist. by Trafalgar Square Publishing/IPG
Excerpt used by permission
Here are 10 of the hundreds of rib-ticklers you’ll find in The Book of Senior Jokes.
An elderly man attended a school reunion but was dismayed to find that his surviving classmates simply wanted to talk about their various aliments—heart conditions, liver complaints, kidney stones.
When he arrived back home, his wife asked him how it went. “It wasn’t so much a school reunion,” he sighed, “more like an organ recital.”
Three senior men were at the doctor’s office for a memory test. “What is two times two?” the doctor asked the first.
“177” came the reply.
Then the doctor asked the second old man, “What is two times two?”
“Wednesday,” the man said.
The doctor then turned to the third old man and asked him: “What is two times two?”
“Four,” he answered.
“That’s excellent,” enthused the doctor. “How did you get that?”
“Easy,” said the third man. “I subtracted 177 from Wednesday.”
The Trials of Golf
A group of men in their seventies were playing a fourball game of golf. As they trudged around the course on a particularly cold day, they started to feel their age.
One said, “These hills are too steep for my old old legs.”
The second complained, “And the bunkers are too deep.”
The third moaned, “And it’s hard work walking through this thick rough.”
“Be grateful,” said the fourth. “At least we’re still on the right side of the grass.”
“How did it happen?” asked the doctor as he tended a middle-aged farmhand’s broken leg.
“Well, doctor, twenty-five years ago…”
“Never mind the past,” said the doctor. “Tell me how you broke your leg.”
“Like I was saying, twenty-five years ago on my first night of working on the farm, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room and asked me if there was anything I wanted. And I said, ‘No, everything is fine.’ She asked whether I was absolutely sure there was nothing she could do for me, and I said, ‘No, there’s nothing.”
“That’s all very interesting,” said the doctor impatiently. “But what has this story got to do with your broken leg?”
“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it finally dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”
A Lock of Hair
Two women neighbors met in the street. Eyeing the jewelry around her friend’s neck, one said: “What’s in that locket? Is it a memento of some sort?”
“Yes,” replied the other woman. “It’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But your husband is still alive!”
“I know, but his hair is all gone.”
A Tap on the Shoulder
To top up his pension, a retired man took a part-time job as a taxi driver. On his first day, he was driving along when his passenger suddenly tapped him on the shoulder.
The taxi driver immediately screamed, lost control of his cab and swerved violently across the road, nearly smashing into a wall.
As he sat there gasping for breath, he said to the passenger: “Don’t every do that to me again. You scared the hell out of me.”
“I’m sorry,” said the passenger. “I didn’t realize that a tap on the shoulder could be so terrifying.”
“It’s not really your fault,” said the driver. “It’s just that today is my first day of driving a cab. For the past twenty-nine years I’ve been driving a hearse.”
A senior couple were arguing about the wife’s practice of leaving her car keys in the ignition.
“But if I take them out of the ignition, I can never find them again,” she explained.
“That’s all very well,” the husband said, “but what happens if someone steals the car?”
“No problem,” the wife insisted. “I keep a spare set of keys in the glove compartment.”
A couple celebrating their golden wedding anniversary were known among their friends for having the happiest marriage in town. Throughout their fifty years together, nobody had ever seen them exchange a cross word.
To mark their anniversary, the local newspaper sent a reporter to interview them, and he asked them the secret of their domestic bliss.
“Well,” explained the husband, “it all dates back to the honeymoon we took in Mexico. We were traveling by mule, and we hadn’t gone far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife said quietly, ‘That’s once.’ We carried on a few hundred yards more and then the mule stumbled again. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ Half a mile further on, the mule stumbled for a third time. My wife promptly jumped down off the mule’s back, pulled out a revolver and shot it dead.
“I immediately started to protest over her treatment of the mule, but she simply looked at me and said quietly, ‘That’s once.’”
A woman walked up to a gaunt, wizened little man rocking in a chair outside his front door. “I couldn’t help noticing how contented you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long and happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink four bottles of whiskey a week, and I never take any exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” said the woman. ‘If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you exactly?
“Thirty-six,” he replied.
A Slap in the Face
A widow was telling her grownup daughter about a date she had with an eighty-eight-year-old man. “I had to slap his face three times in the course of the evening!”
The daughter was horrified. “Fancy him getting fresh with you, at his age!”
“No, it wasn’t that,” explained the mother. “I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake.”
She’s Trying to Poison Me
An elderly man went to the police station to report that he thought his wife was trying to poison him.
“Are you sure about this?” asked the officer.
“Absolutely,” replied the man. “I am convinced that she’s poisoning me slowly but surely. So what should I do?”
“Don’t do anything just yet,” advised the officer, “but remain vigilant at all times with regard to what you eat and drink. In the meantime, I’ll talk to your wife and ascertain whether or not your suspicions are justified. I’ll get back to you.”
Ten days later, the police officer called the husband and said, “Well, I’ve spoken to your wife. In fact, I talked to her on the phone for two and a half hours. Then she came down to the station and talked for another four hours. Do you want my advice?”
“Yes,” said the husband anxiously.
“Take the poison.”